who the fuck was i kidding? get through all of inktober? wishful thinking. stress myself everyday coming up with a new drawing, get handcramps, get pissed at every little interruption, yell at people at home, for what? a handful of likes? a lot of people spout the whole "draw for yourself" shit like it's some holy law. sorry but my brain isnt wired that way. it's not like i dont value my work, i do. but it feels fucking depressing if no one can be bothered to even glance at the stuff i make. i mean fuck, it isn't some novel you have to spend hours reading, or a 15 minute video. it's a fucking drawing. two seconds to look at, one second to click a fucking button. and yet, it seems no one has the seconds to care. i know it's NOWHERE near the quality of all the other artists out there. but no nothing, not even moral support. ohohoho, but share some fucking meme with no effort at all, and boom! lots of likes and even shares. some silly picture with humorous text is worth more than the result of 11 years of creative endeavors. oh! but if you stop challenging yourself, you won't grow. so fucking what? i've already accepted this is just a hobby, a pastime. my life or livelihood doesn't depend on my skill in it. it doesn't matter if my skill doesnt improve. what matters is what little self-confidence i have is not regularly shattered by another ignored post. and if i am really to "draw for myself" shouldn't i be doing it to have fun. well, i'm not having fun. laying awake unable to sleep coz i cant come up with an idea for a drawing is not fun. waking up and hurrying everything just so i can start drawing is not fun. not doing the stuff that i actually find fun just so i can draw is, can you guess it? NOT FUN. the only thing that could make up for the lack of fun is some form of validation. and while im thankful for 2 to 5 people who do like the stuff i make, it's hardly enough for the effort involved. also, if i wanted to have fun creating stuff, i'd play minecraft instead. or space engineers. no one ever saw the castles, towns, massive pixel art structures, and other shit i made there, but i had fun. or the spaceships i made, asteroid mining craft i put together, and other space shit, which was also fun. im guessing it's because there's functionality attached to these creations. the automated wheat farm does it job likes or no, but a drawing unlooked at fails at its purpose of gathering someones attention and conveying its story.
