who the fuck was i kidding? get through all of inktober? wishful thinking. stress myself everyday coming up with a new drawing, get handcramps, get pissed at every little interruption, yell at people at home, for what? a handful of likes? a lot of people spout the whole "draw for yourself" shit like it's some holy law. sorry but my brain isnt wired that way. it's not like i dont value my work, i do. but it feels fucking depressing if no one can be bothered to even glance at the stuff i make. i mean fuck, it isn't some novel you have to spend hours reading, or a 15 minute video. it's a fucking drawing. two seconds to look at, one second to click a fucking button. and yet, it seems no one has the seconds to care. i know it's NOWHERE near the quality of all the other artists out there. but no nothing, not even moral support. ohohoho, but share some fucking meme with no effort at all, and boom! lots of likes and even shares. some silly picture with humorous text is worth more than the result of 11 years of creative endeavors. oh! but if you stop challenging yourself, you won't grow. so fucking what? i've already accepted this is just a hobby, a pastime. my life or livelihood doesn't depend on my skill in it. it doesn't matter if my skill doesnt improve. what matters is what little self-confidence i have is not regularly shattered by another ignored post. and if i am really to "draw for myself" shouldn't i be doing it to have fun. well, i'm not having fun. laying awake unable to sleep coz i cant come up with an idea for a drawing is not fun. waking up and hurrying everything just so i can start drawing is not fun. not doing the stuff that i actually find fun just so i can draw is, can you guess it? NOT FUN. the only thing that could make up for the lack of fun is some form of validation. and while im thankful for 2 to 5 people who do like the stuff i make, it's hardly enough for the effort involved. also, if i wanted to have fun creating stuff, i'd play minecraft instead. or space engineers. no one ever saw the castles, towns, massive pixel art structures, and other shit i made there, but i had fun. or the spaceships i made, asteroid mining craft i put together, and other space shit, which was also fun. im guessing it's because there's functionality attached to these creations. the automated wheat farm does it job likes or no, but a drawing unlooked at fails at its purpose of gathering someones attention and conveying its story.

current net connection can only support one online PC game at a time, specifically my niece playing Siege. unfortunately, Converge doesn't cover our area so getting a better connection that way is out. PLDT Fiber is also out because we are still locked into their DSL plan (last year, father got talked into some upgrade plan that has a 3 year lock in period). we could upgrade to fiber now but that means we have to pay off the penalty. of course, that's a waste of cash (also kuripot si erpats so ayaw nya). i could get my own connection, but cant coz im currently unemployed. can't go get a job coz i need to take care of my mom. so yeah, currently agreed upon plan is to wait 'til the lock out period is done. hopefully, Converge would have expanded by then and our place is covered. failing that, we upgrade to PLDT Fiber.

for now, i uninstalled the online games i have on the laptop (MWO, Overwatch). seeing games i can't really play would just stress me out, plus i could use the drive space to install stuff i can actually play. also thinking of renting PCs at gaming cafes if ever i need a fix of online gaming. prolly gonna go back to League of Legends since i don't want to login my steam/blizzard account on a public computer. alternatively, play mobile games instead. they prolly don't demand as much upload bandwidth. i can also simply get a data promo from smart/globe for around the same price as going to a gaming cafe.