10-28-2007, 05:58 PM
Cool chapters. I do feel that Jason is the stereotypical uber-pilot character though. You might want to put in a few weaknesses to round out his character and make him feel more real.
Also, I think you tend to dwell too much on the wrong details, like what your character does in between the fights (going to the kitchen, eating, waiting). If you were going somewhere with these details then I would understand, but for now they feel like fillers, mostly. Focus on events that happen that have a significant impact on the story. Or, in lieu of these in-between events, have a more descriptive approach towards the story.
Also, I think you tend to dwell too much on the wrong details, like what your character does in between the fights (going to the kitchen, eating, waiting). If you were going somewhere with these details then I would understand, but for now they feel like fillers, mostly. Focus on events that happen that have a significant impact on the story. Or, in lieu of these in-between events, have a more descriptive approach towards the story.
"Let's fight... like gentlemen." - Dudley, SF3
