03-13-2007, 08:35 AM
WOW.
Awesome work man. I totally like the dark, Gothic, neo-cyberpunk feel. It kinda feels like Vagrant Story mixed in with some Deus Ex, with some Magicite-enriched Final Fantasy VI thrown in for good measure. Which is goooooooooood.
(<a href='http://ravenrepublic.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=423&view=findpost&p=7769145' target='_blank'>I seem to be making a habit of comparing members' works with certain video games.</a> Forgive me, it's but a natural way for me to react.)
In your two chapters, you've managed to build a feeling of that ominous air, of impending things to come. I just know it's going to happen to Etienne Noir soon. Something big. It kinda... makes me feel like <a href='http://www.vgmusic.com/music/console/nintendo/snes/ctmcastl.mid' target='_blank'>this</a>... and <a href='http://www.vgmusic.com/music/console/sony/ps1/vs-d1t9.mid' target='_blank'>this</a>...
Anyway, the only criticism I can point out is that too many names get thrown at the reader quickly, so they're left scrambling to find the meanings of these things or who these people are in order to understand your story more. How about toning it down? Or at least, having a background paragraph or so after the statement of the said term. Granted, some of the other AC-related fics have too many nouns (proper or otherwise) per chapter, but that's OK since everyone knows what the author is talking about. In your case, you'll need to hold the hand of the reader more and walk them through the story, unless confusion is really what you're going for.
Other than that, it's great work. I'll be looking forward to the others.
Awesome work man. I totally like the dark, Gothic, neo-cyberpunk feel. It kinda feels like Vagrant Story mixed in with some Deus Ex, with some Magicite-enriched Final Fantasy VI thrown in for good measure. Which is goooooooooood.
(<a href='http://ravenrepublic.net/forums/index.php?showtopic=423&view=findpost&p=7769145' target='_blank'>I seem to be making a habit of comparing members' works with certain video games.</a> Forgive me, it's but a natural way for me to react.)In your two chapters, you've managed to build a feeling of that ominous air, of impending things to come. I just know it's going to happen to Etienne Noir soon. Something big. It kinda... makes me feel like <a href='http://www.vgmusic.com/music/console/nintendo/snes/ctmcastl.mid' target='_blank'>this</a>... and <a href='http://www.vgmusic.com/music/console/sony/ps1/vs-d1t9.mid' target='_blank'>this</a>...
Anyway, the only criticism I can point out is that too many names get thrown at the reader quickly, so they're left scrambling to find the meanings of these things or who these people are in order to understand your story more. How about toning it down? Or at least, having a background paragraph or so after the statement of the said term. Granted, some of the other AC-related fics have too many nouns (proper or otherwise) per chapter, but that's OK since everyone knows what the author is talking about. In your case, you'll need to hold the hand of the reader more and walk them through the story, unless confusion is really what you're going for.
Other than that, it's great work. I'll be looking forward to the others.
"Let's fight... like gentlemen." - Dudley, SF3
