10-12-2006, 11:28 AM
Wow, so I finally got around to critiquing this fanfic.
Let me start by saying that this post will contain a lot of spoilers. If you haven't read the fanfic yet, I suggest you do before you read this.
With that out of the way, I noticed that the fanfic's direction (actually this comes to be clear in the later chapters) isn't really about AC, it's more about the relationship of two people set against a backdrop of the plot of AC. It's all good though.
The two main protagonists are really quite the opposites. Jaden's being written as a rational and calm personality, while Hitomi's is being Asuka-like with her temper, thoughts and words. She even annoyed me in the first few chapters, good job dude.
I'll go by post:
Prologue - It was very nice, very action packed, much like an opening cinematic for AC. Much like a prologue should be.
Chapter 1 - You really feel for Hitomi here, she's so shell-shocked and traumatized, frail and in need of support. Aww. :tongue: Buti nalang nandyan si Jaden! Go Jaden!
Chapter 2 - The part where Jaden was told of what happened to the world was actually chilling. Imagine being at home alone, watching TV, then all of a sudden being told to go underground because numerous unmanned machines of death are ravaging the surface. Creepy.
Chapter 3 - There was a Silent Hill-like part here that I really liked, where they realized that they were about the only survivors of the attack. And like when they walked into that clothing store and there were dead bodies all around.
Chapter 4 - The chapter was a bit long winded, but necessary for the development of the characters. Lol on the introduction of sexual innuendo into the story, it was well done.
Chapter 5 - This is where I realized that the fanfic was turning away from AC into more of a regular story. Actually, I should have realized that when they left their ACs behind in that cave, haha. Natawa din ako dun sa Mulan moment ni Hitomi nung nakatingin siya sa bintana nung store.
When will my reflection show, who I am, inside?
Chapter 6 - This was the start of Jaden's development as a character. Admittedly, late, but better late than never, right?
Chapter 7 - Really good, this was the start of the real strengthening of bonds between the two. Good job on adding the rains as an effect, it allowed her to slip back into her regular personality, haha.
Chapter 8 - Hitomi almost died! Go Jaden! After that though, it was mostly about a kiss the two shared. It was a pretty good description though.
Chapter 9 - Realization of the two that something was there between them. I can almost hear a Beauty and the Beast song coming (sorry for all the Disney interjections :tongue
.
Overall, it's very good for your first attempt (is it your first?). It could use a bit of editing and proofreading with regards to the punctuation and spelling, but that's a minor issue since we can all understand what you mean anyway.
One thing that's been bothering me is the continuity of this thing? They've survived for almost a year, and in that time there was no other mention of the suicide machines, aside from the first few chapters? So, biglang tumigil at nawala nalang yung attacks?
Also, is this going to turn into the direction of AC once more? I mean, are there going to be other antagonists, riding their Armored Cores? I'm excited to see how it will turn out.
Good job Fox. Keep them coming!
Let me start by saying that this post will contain a lot of spoilers. If you haven't read the fanfic yet, I suggest you do before you read this.
With that out of the way, I noticed that the fanfic's direction (actually this comes to be clear in the later chapters) isn't really about AC, it's more about the relationship of two people set against a backdrop of the plot of AC. It's all good though.
The two main protagonists are really quite the opposites. Jaden's being written as a rational and calm personality, while Hitomi's is being Asuka-like with her temper, thoughts and words. She even annoyed me in the first few chapters, good job dude.
I'll go by post:
Prologue - It was very nice, very action packed, much like an opening cinematic for AC. Much like a prologue should be.
Chapter 1 - You really feel for Hitomi here, she's so shell-shocked and traumatized, frail and in need of support. Aww. :tongue: Buti nalang nandyan si Jaden! Go Jaden!
Chapter 2 - The part where Jaden was told of what happened to the world was actually chilling. Imagine being at home alone, watching TV, then all of a sudden being told to go underground because numerous unmanned machines of death are ravaging the surface. Creepy.
Chapter 3 - There was a Silent Hill-like part here that I really liked, where they realized that they were about the only survivors of the attack. And like when they walked into that clothing store and there were dead bodies all around.
Chapter 4 - The chapter was a bit long winded, but necessary for the development of the characters. Lol on the introduction of sexual innuendo into the story, it was well done.
Chapter 5 - This is where I realized that the fanfic was turning away from AC into more of a regular story. Actually, I should have realized that when they left their ACs behind in that cave, haha. Natawa din ako dun sa Mulan moment ni Hitomi nung nakatingin siya sa bintana nung store.
When will my reflection show, who I am, inside?
Chapter 6 - This was the start of Jaden's development as a character. Admittedly, late, but better late than never, right?
Chapter 7 - Really good, this was the start of the real strengthening of bonds between the two. Good job on adding the rains as an effect, it allowed her to slip back into her regular personality, haha.
Chapter 8 - Hitomi almost died! Go Jaden! After that though, it was mostly about a kiss the two shared. It was a pretty good description though.
Chapter 9 - Realization of the two that something was there between them. I can almost hear a Beauty and the Beast song coming (sorry for all the Disney interjections :tongue
.Overall, it's very good for your first attempt (is it your first?). It could use a bit of editing and proofreading with regards to the punctuation and spelling, but that's a minor issue since we can all understand what you mean anyway.
One thing that's been bothering me is the continuity of this thing? They've survived for almost a year, and in that time there was no other mention of the suicide machines, aside from the first few chapters? So, biglang tumigil at nawala nalang yung attacks?
Also, is this going to turn into the direction of AC once more? I mean, are there going to be other antagonists, riding their Armored Cores? I'm excited to see how it will turn out.
Good job Fox. Keep them coming!
"Let's fight... like gentlemen." - Dudley, SF3
