Fox's fanfics

[Fox]

Alrighty, Grimlok wouldn't allow me to allow you to post the comments themselves to the fics on the fic page itself. He said it's better if there was a separate discussion page for it so that the fic page itself looks cleaner.

Hey, i agree with him.

If you've read any of my fics and have something to say about it, please do so here. I've written quite a few fics already but have only recently started writing fics for the AC series. Last Stand was my first and i plan on making a few more.

Tell me what you think about my fics. Flame me, roast me, criticize me. Whatever, just post.

Bring on the pain!

[Necron]

That was quick. I just posted my answers this afternoon and the fanfic's there already?

Creepy. Just plain creepy.

okay, here's what i think.

Last Stand:
Okay like i said before, it was a little harsh, ACs getting mauled left and right, an endless stream of suicide weapons and the eventual death of all characters. Grim, harsh but realistic. Last stands are like that. Everybody dies, slaughtered to the last man.

Here's the puncher: Your writing style is good. Not great but not bad either. The storytelling is eloquent enough although some parts of Onslaught seemed a little rushed. The action sequences were detailed but slightly drawn out. Overall, there's talent there but you could stand a bit of improvement.

Wings of Tomorrow:

The first installment is good. Reads a bit like your first fanfic although at least somebody made it out alive. Hitomi? The girl from Escaflowne? You've got to be kidding me. :blink:

[Grim]

Wow, so I finally got around to critiquing this fanfic.

Let me start by saying that this post will contain a lot of spoilers. If you haven't read the fanfic yet, I suggest you do before you read this.

With that out of the way, I noticed that the fanfic's direction (actually this comes to be clear in the later chapters) isn't really about AC, it's more about the relationship of two people set against a backdrop of the plot of AC. It's all good though.

The two main protagonists are really quite the opposites. Jaden's being written as a rational and calm personality, while Hitomi's is being Asuka-like with her temper, thoughts and words. She even annoyed me in the first few chapters, good job dude.

I'll go by post:
Prologue - It was very nice, very action packed, much like an opening cinematic for AC. Much like a prologue should be.

Chapter 1 - You really feel for Hitomi here, she's so shell-shocked and traumatized, frail and in need of support. Aww. :tongue: Buti nalang nandyan si Jaden! Go Jaden!

Chapter 2 - The part where Jaden was told of what happened to the world was actually chilling. Imagine being at home alone, watching TV, then all of a sudden being told to go underground because numerous unmanned machines of death are ravaging the surface. Creepy.

Chapter 3 - There was a Silent Hill-like part here that I really liked, where they realized that they were about the only survivors of the attack. And like when they walked into that clothing store and there were dead bodies all around.

Chapter 4 - The chapter was a bit long winded, but necessary for the development of the characters. Lol on the introduction of sexual innuendo into the story, it was well done.

Chapter 5 - This is where I realized that the fanfic was turning away from AC into more of a regular story. Actually, I should have realized that when they left their ACs behind in that cave, haha. Natawa din ako dun sa Mulan moment ni Hitomi nung nakatingin siya sa bintana nung store.

When will my reflection show, who I am, inside?

Chapter 6 - This was the start of Jaden's development as a character. Admittedly, late, but better late than never, right?

Chapter 7 - Really good, this was the start of the real strengthening of bonds between the two. Good job on adding the rains as an effect, it allowed her to slip back into her regular personality, haha.

Chapter 8 - Hitomi almost died! Go Jaden! After that though, it was mostly about a kiss the two shared. It was a pretty good description though.

Chapter 9 - Realization of the two that something was there between them. I can almost hear a Beauty and the Beast song coming (sorry for all the Disney interjections :tongue.

Overall, it's very good for your first attempt (is it your first?). It could use a bit of editing and proofreading with regards to the punctuation and spelling, but that's a minor issue since we can all understand what you mean anyway.

One thing that's been bothering me is the continuity of this thing? They've survived for almost a year, and in that time there was no other mention of the suicide machines, aside from the first few chapters? So, biglang tumigil at nawala nalang yung attacks?

Also, is this going to turn into the direction of AC once more? I mean, are there going to be other antagonists, riding their Armored Cores? I'm excited to see how it will turn out.

Good job Fox. Keep them coming!

[Fox]

By the way, i'll be cutting up "Wings of Tomorrow" into smaller chapters. I just realized that if i follow through with the initial plot, i'm gonna end up with more than fifty chapters at the least. This could turn out to be my most ambitious project to date.

This fanfic may take quite a while to finish. I hope i don't bore you guys. Just stay tuned.

EDIT - Chapters 3 and 4 up.

[Necron]

Comments:

Nice, chapter 1 kinda gives me a good idea of things to come if those two ravens are going to be together. Good beginning too, for the characters. Jaden seems like a typical raven although Hitomi seems to have a few issues. Forgive me but i find it a little unusual for a mercenary to emotionally break down like Hitomi did. What a crybaby

Chapter 2 was cool. All that cussing was a fun counterpart to the mushiness in chapter 1. I see now that Hitomi isn't like the typical girl who immediately falls for the hero. She'd probably smack him one if it wasn't just the two of them. That last part where they left the ACs seems rushed but i can see it was pretty hard to do for the two characters.

I'll read the two other chapters later.

ADD-ON

OK, just finished 3 and 4. I'll be taking back what i said earlier that Hitomi has a few issues. I'm now going to say that she has a LOT of issues. Hell, even Jaden has problems.

Nice touch on the two. Not your typical lead characters who are all gung-ho, save-the-world-get-the-girl-types, although i'm quite sure how their relationship will turn out already. Well i can't blame them. I mean, anyone who has a childhood like those two would be very screwed-up psychologically. Those two are so emo.

Good pacing with the story. The prologue was okay and its getting better. Keep it up. :bigsmile:

[Fox]

Zzzzzzz.....Oh...yeah, right..zzzzzzz

Chapter 5, 6, 7 and 8 are up. Forgive me but i've been working on them since 5am and i don't think my mind is awake right now.

Here's a quick heads-up.

Ch.5 - The pair starts their journey.
Ch.6 - has a bit of a funny moment between Jaden and Hitomi (if a Raven doesn't want a haircut, just strangle him, hehehe)
Ch.7 - Jaden reveals his weakness and finds his strength (pretty mushy stuff)
Ch.8 - More trials as Jaden saves Hitomi from certain death. Their true feelings start to emerge.

Right now, i really want to sleep. The next few chapters should be up in a couple of days. Happy reading.

Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.

[Fox]

Upodate: fixed some errors, corrected a few typos and cleaned the previous chapters up.

Chapter 9 is up. Sorry for the long wait but it's kinda tough writing mushy stuff. Especially since my own emotions are pretty messed up. To make things worse, i've been out jobhunting for the past week so i really don't have much time to write.

The next chapters might take a bit longer.

[Fox]

Thanks for the review, GodHand. Hehehe, those words make writing fics worthwhile.

I'll make this quick.

I did say before that this'll be a human-interest type of story, semi action/adventure and will havemore than a bit of romance. There will be more Ravens. J and H aren't really alone in the world, there are other survivors (duh, we did get to play LR, di ba?). They're just alone in a really out-of-the-way part of the world. Just give them a few years before they meet up with the rest of humanity

ACs will once again make an appearance. Problem is, i'm planning it to be near the end of the story.

The USWs? Well, they pretty much disappeared at the end of Nexus, only reappearing again in LR. Let's just say i'll be keeping them quiet for a while.

First fanfic: no. First fanfic with a love story in it: yep.

[Fox]

New fic uploaded. I'm not yet done with "Wings". This is just something to fill in the lack of action with the current fic.

the title means "Come, Sweet death" in German. No, i do not speak German but i do have a language handbook on it.

For those complaining about the lack of action in "Wings", this should be enough for now.

BTW, try to guess who the pilot is. Hehehe

[Necron]

Wings of Tomorrow

I realized that i've only read until Chapter 6 so i'll say what i think about the subsequent entries.

Chapter 7 was incredible. Jaden's admission of his weakness says something about his character while Hitomi's show of support and comfort for Jaden was really touching, a sign that even the most uncaring people can show some emotion for others in need. As Grimlok said, the rain was a really nice touch. Hearing Hitomi curse again was a good counterpoint to the compassion she showed earlier. Parang may pagka-schizo tuloy sya.

Chapter 8 showed just how much Jaden has come to care about Hitomi. Risking your life to save someone else is a really noble thing and what Jaden did was nothing short of heroic. That kiss afterwards seems like it came from some movie but i can't place my finger on it. Not romantic but still has a good bit of WAFF.

Chapter 9 was good but a bit of a let-down. I really thought they would get around to confessing their love, just like in the movies but all i find was awkwardness. Parang may pagka-torpe tuloy si Jaden, haha. Seriously, the awkward part was realistic. Most people would continue kissing but seeing as how screwed-up the two's childhoods were (the conversation in chapter 4), love may be a bit difficult to come by. At least they did realize that they had something between them. Hah, Beauty and the Beast nga talaga! )

Chapter 10 was the longest chapter yet. Again, i find that the first scenes in which Jaden and Hitomi think about their feelings was like something from out of a movie again. I must say that the part in which Hitomi was thinking about her childhood was rather sad, it actually made me tear up a bit. Afterwards, the part in which Hitomi kisses Jaden seems a bit OOC for her. The line Jaden said after the kiss seems a bit clich

[Fox]

<!--QuoteBegin-Necron+Nov 3 2006, 10:47 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Necron @ Nov 3 2006, 10:47 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> A question though: why is Zinny cursing in german? [/quote:95d1004f95]
Two things basically:

1. Zinaida's name in the jap version used to be Schneider.
2. She speaks with a slight accent. Barely noticeable but it definitely is there.

So putting two and two together, i decided she was German (or at least has some German blood in her ancestral lineage). If she isn't, then i'm taking some liberties by turning her into one.

Hey, so sue me. i'm having way too much fun with the English-German handbook i found buried under my bed. )

Additional: eto mga tranlations para di kayo maasar sa kin

Schist: shit!

Mein Gott In Himmel: My God in Heaven (not really a curse, more of an expression of disbelief)

[i]Bl

[Necron]

After reading the pinned fic, i have some questions

1. Grimlok's right, Hitomi seems to be similar to Asuka Langley Soryu. From the red hair and her superiority complex down to her attitude during the earlier chapters, she reminds me of the Second Child. Is this coincidental or intentional?

2. The AC world seems strangely low-tech for a story set in the future. How come there was a sporting-goods store in the city in chapter 3 and the equipment the two protagonists are lugging around seems to be regular camping gear from the 20th century. Other things point out to low-tech stuff like when Hitomi said her mother drove her car off a cliff, Jaden and Hitomi going to school, the can opener in chapter 9 and other stuff. Are any of these things supposed to be in the AC world?

3. You mentioned in chapter 1 that Hitomi's Seraphim AC is built around a U5 core yet the story is set just before the end of Nexus. Wasn't the U5 introduced in Last Raven? And why did the Hitomi's U5 have an Overboost function when its supposed to be a normal core?

No offense meant but i'm just a little confused about the irregularities.

[Fox]

<!--QuoteBegin-Necron+Nov 3 2006, 10:47 PM--></div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (Necron @ Nov 3 2006, 10:47 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'><!--QuoteEBegin--> I just have one more question.

Just how long will until we get to the more risqu

[Fox]

BTW, chapters 11, 12 and 13 are up. Sorry for taking so long to update but playing NFS: Carbon and Final Fantasy XII have really eaten up my free time and i just couldn't find enough motivation to write. I promise i'll try to update more regularly from now on.

Oh, and i did say that things will be heating up so the language is now shifting to something approaching rated-R. Aside from the cursing in previous chapters, there will be more adult stuff now. Those of you still below 18 should stay away.

Here's a short heads-up on the new stuff:
Chap.11 - Six months have passed since the cliffside incident but the relationship between Jaden and Hitomi has gone nowhere. After some prodding from Hitomi, Jaden reveals a part of his past that he never thought he would relive again. More mushy at the end with some

Chap.12 -A few days later, Hitomi decides to take a bath. Even though she knows that Jaden is secretly watching her, she proceeds to give him a show. WARNING: there is a lemon scene in this chapter, people offended by sexual stuff should skip the part after Hitomi sings. Don't say i didn't warn you.

Chap.13 - Later, the two pilots talk about what just happened. Wishing to continue the fun earlier, Hitomi challenges Jaden to a kissing game, eventually moving their relationship to the next level.

[Necron]

Okay, i'm cool with those answers. Did you just call me a pervert? Haha, maybe i am.

Alright, new chaps! I'll read them later and post another review after. Now, that little warning you wrote for chap12 is making me real excited! Damn, its about time!

Reviews will follow later. Keep it up dude! )