The Coward's Dilemma

[Immaterial]

The Coward’s Dilemma

by Immaterial

~+~

I am in pain.

It has always hurt.

People often hate pain and would do their best to alleviate it or avoid it altogether.

I wondered, that maybe, just maybe I am not like other people.

I am in pain, and yet, I’ve decided to bear with it.

Maybe because I know, it was all my doing and my fault I feel this way.

But I am sure it was because I wanted to stay where I was.

Where I was, I am able to feel, to touch, to smell, to hear and to see your presence.

And there was your smile, which alleviates my pain at that particular moment but only leaves a deeper wound in my being afterwards.

I am in pain and I think I’m okay where I was.

The pain would go worse every day but more so lately, when all our conversations and all you ever talked about was him.

That person that filled your mind as of late and seem to make you smile in a way I haven’t seen before.

I would only mirror that smile of yours, hiding my own pains to show my support to you. As I know, I cannot go against that gentle and captivating smile.

I am in pain, more than before, but it was nothing I could handle, I told myself, just as I would many times over and over.

But, I guess I was wrong but I held on, when you said those words to me.

“He asked me out.”

You said that with a smile, your tone was all excited.

My answer to that was just an oh and once more I hid in my usual cool demeanor, that bored seemingly uninterested face you were so used to, even if what I felt inside was a complete opposite.

But I was an expert. I am able to hide my own feelings well. I’ve had a lot of practice after all. I am sure, you had no idea.

Quickly, a forced smile made itself known on my lips. Words of good luck came out soon after in such a detached manner I wondered how I was able to do such. I berated myself for that.

“Thanks! I’ll do my best.”

Behind my smile, I was deeply worried but I knew I shouldn’t be. I knew I would be the first person to know of what will happen from now on. That was the role I know I have, just as many times before.

I didn’t hear anything from you all night. I only saw you the next day. And you had a bigger smile on your face than usual. From that, I knew that things went well.

The moment I saw you began to talk about what had happened. I could only nod my head, mirroring the smile on your face as best as I could. That was the order of the day from that day forth. I actually had lost track of how long it was.

A month? Two? Three?

I don’t remember how long how it felt my pain was getting worse, seemingly being seated deeper and deeper into my very being.

All I remember was that day.

“He cheated on you?” Was all I could ask you. My voice was flat and emotionless, matching the expression on my face, as I tried to hide my own surprise.

You only nodded your head as you tried to stop your tears. Your voice cracking, you told me how you came to his place to see another woman there and how you broke up right then and there. How there were no words, and no excuses. This was what was left.

I could feel my hands clench into themselves, forming into fists. I was angry.

At him for cheating on you, for doing something like this to hurt you.

And to myself for letting this happen.

It was because I just stood there and watched.

But I knew I had to forget that for a moment. Because, what mattered now was you.

An embrace was all I could offer as you began to cry. I could only hold your shaking frame as you sobbed, making me acutely aware of the pain you felt. I only closed my eyes at that as my hands gently patted your back, as that was all I could do.

“I’m sorry.” You were able to say as you calmed down a bit and before you broke yourself from my embrace.

You apologized again as you began to wipe your own tears with the back of your hands as you forced a smile.

“I don’t know how I could cry to you like this. You’ve never been in a relationship ever since we have known each other.”

At those words, I didn’t know what to say, even if I know the reason why. But what’s the point of that now?

“I’m sorry.” You whispered as you averted your gaze from me. Your frame slightly shook as you continued, “Why can’t I find someone as gentle as you?!”

Why did you have to say that? Was my thought at those words. I could feel my own pain once more, replacing the sympathy I feel for you. That pain and my own anger resurfaced in my chest as I too looked away. My anger at him, for easily letting go something I had so wanted for so long. My anger at my own weakness and cowardice, all that caused my pain to be more intense than before.

I am here.

I could be your lover if you wanted me to.

Those were my thoughts at that moment. Thoughts I repeated in my mind as if to comfort myself, to alleviate my own pain.

“W-What did you say?”

I heard you hesitantly asked. Your surprise was clearly evident on your face.

My eyes opened wide as I realized as I’ve said those words aloud. I gritted my teeth, scolding myself for my mistake. There was no escape now. At that, I placed my hand on my chest, to show my conviction to you but in truth I was shaking. I wanted to calm my own racing heart as I spoke once more.

“So let me be your lover.”

My voice was surprisingly firm.

“You don’t need to look for someone like me, as I am just here.”

I could only feel my own pain and own anger behind all my words. Was I at my limit? But it doesn’t matter now really, as I have already let my emotions and feeling show, even if just a bit.

There was no turning back now.

“Eh? B-But—“You tried to say.

“But what? You wanted someone like me, right?”

I asked you as I inched closer. My heart beating faster as the distance between us became closer and closer.

“So let me—“

Any hesitations you may have vanished as I pursued my lips over yours. I could feel myself calming down slightly at that contact, making me more aware how your frame stiffened. Savoring that small instance of contact was the best I could do as my chest seemed to feel heavier for each passing moment.

I only kept my usual bored expression as we disengaged, a contrast to your surprised blushing look.

“How was it?” I asked flatly as I forced myself to keep calm.

“It wasn’t bad.” You hesitantly replied, averting your gaze from me, “It was not like I didn’t like it.”

“I see.” Was all I could say as I pondered on those words that didn’t really tell me anything at all. Crossing my arms across my chest, well more like to comfort myself with a hug, I spoke once more, “So do you want to continue?”

“W-What if I said no?”

A sharp pain shot through my chest at your question but I steeled myself, letting my anger to push me forward. Doing that only made me feel more terrible about myself, even more to what I said next.

“Then that means you don’t like it after all. “ I closed my eyes as I spoke as I pushed back tears that threatened to make themselves known, “If that is the case, I would now start distancing myself from you. Because it will just hurt from here on.”

Hurt more now was more appropriate. Nevertheless, I am such a horrible person.

“N-No, I don’t want you to leave me alone.” You said with fear in your voice, shaking your head for emphasis.

I knew you wouldn’t like that. Especially now. And I took advantage of that. I wanted to apologize but it just was the pain I felt was just becoming too much to bear.

“Open your mouth.” I whispered to her, saying it as brief as I could to hide my own nervousness.

You nervously acquiesced, your eyes closing involuntarily as you waited on me.

A small smile curled my lips as I reached for you. My hands rested on your shoulders as I pursued your lips once more, this time pushing my tongue into your open mouth, to play with yours. I immediately felt your frame stiffen at what I had just done, squirming in place as if torn to stay or break off from me. This I paid no heed as I pushed the kiss deeper and pushing you down as well to stop any resistance you may have.

I’ve already come this far, anyway.

I broke of our kiss as I stared at your lying form in front of me. Your cheeks were red from embarrassment obviously. I would have found that cute but the look for fear in your face made my chest hurt instead.

I didn’t want to see this.

I wanted it go away.

I wanted to see that happy smiling face of yours.

You hesitantly called my name, worried because I suddenly just stopped. I only shook my head and forced a smile before gritting my teeth as I leaned over you and started to kiss your neck, nibbling every now and then. You shivered once more at that but I kept you still as my hands started to roam across your frame. Slowly, gently, feeling and teasing, my hands tried to calm your frame, to ease your own nervousness. The sensation of your body on my hands however, just made me more nervous than before.

A burning deep desire and hunger seemed to make itself known from deep inside me, pushing me to just go and do as I wanted. It was as if I felt like this was my only chance for this and I should do what I could. I tried to resist, I didn’t want to hurt you, but I realized I was so helpless against it. It was far too long and my pain right now was just too unbearable.

I’m sorry.

I whispered that apology as I buried my face on your chest, doing my best to keep my frame still. I took a deep breath as one of my hands moved across your stomach to that junction between your legs. Two of my fingers stopped on that stop, feeling and teasing and that was then I felt how my actions now were making you feel.

She’s not wet.

It was my fault I know.

In that case—

At that, I started to undress you from the waist down, leaving nothing. You tried to resist, only voicing complaints but not really doing anything as I did so. At that moment, I knew you wanted me to stop but you couldn’t tell me that. Not after that I had threatened you with earlier. I only pushed my own guilt down, telling myself that this was all I could do.

To ease your pain and my own.

I steeled myself as made a trail of kisses down your stomach, down and down to that spot between your legs. You squeaked in surprise as your body stiffened the minute I spread your legs with my hands as you may have an idea on what I was up to.

“No, don’t it’s—“

I only shook my head.

“It’s fine.”

Was all I said but as I did I was pulling down your underwear, a part of me was surprised that you didn’t resist as much as you seemed inclined to be. Was it your fear making you this cooperative? I only kept quiet as I leaned between your legs. Your scent overpowered me as I did and I instantly felt this burning sensation in my cheeks. I steeled myself as I leaned over closer, wondering in my mind if you tasted the same as well.

My heart was beating faster now more and more as I gave that spot a hesitant lick, inciting a shiver and a gasp from you. I could only grin to myself at your reaction as I continued to pleasure you with my mouth and tongue, closing my eyes as I did so, to concentrate and to feel every single sensation. Your taste burned in my mouth, your voice and gasps music to my ears as I took more of you into my mouth. The said taste was addicting, so much that I couldn’t get enough.

I faintly heard you call my name and that moment I felt your body stiffen. My eyes opened wide as I realized that you were about to climax. With that I gave your center the deepest kiss that I could, thrusting my tongue as deep as it can go. Your taste and smell got more intense as you came. Your body shivered as waves of pleasure coursed every inch of you, emanating from the center of your being.

I only withdrew when you collapsed on the bed, limp and tired from your orgasm. Your taste and essence was still strong in my mouth as I licked my lips, watching and waiting you to calm yourself down. A smile curled my lips as it dawned to me that it was because of me that you reacted this way.

You called my name, your voice soft and exhausted.

And my first instinct was to pop a question. One I regret the minute the words left my mouth.

“So how did you feel?”

“I-I don’t know how to describe it, “You began hesitantly, fear still present in your voice.

“I see.” I flatly replied which made you even more nervous, I can tell.

“B-But it not like it hurt or anything, just like him…it actually, um…”

You fumbled with your words as I waited on each word that you said. My brow furrowed at that as I tried to make sense of what you were saying. You shook your head, probably at the face that I was making.

“W-What I mean is, it actually felt good with you. I don’t know why but my mind, just…went blank and everything became white and—“

I didn’t even let you finish as I leaned over you, my arms wrapping around your frame as my head rested on your shoulder. You faintly called my name, surprised at what I did.

Why did you have to get involved with a guy like him? I thought to myself as I whispered in your ear, “ Then I’ll make you feel even better then.”

“E-Eh? W-what do you mean—“

Your words were lost, replaced by a gasp followed by moans as I slid a finger into your center. My finger slipped in with ease, no thanks to the treatment I had given you earlier. I smiled to myself as I felt your arousal in my hand, so much, I was able to add another finger to the one currently thrusting in and out of you, taking you again and again.

You called for my name and I yours but realized I shouldn’t, as I felt like I would only love you even more the more I call for your name. I tried to resist but surely a smile was clear on my face as I watched your face, with an expression that of pleasure, one I haven’t seen before and one I will always keep locked up in my memory.

I pursued my lips on your once more, feeling no resistance whatsoever, even feeling you kissing me back as I quickened the pace of my thrusting fingers, feeling you clamp on them as if you never want to let go. And with one last thrust, I felt your body stiffen, breaking off from our kiss as you climaxed, letting out a moan that was louder then before.

I only held you tighter as your orgasm subsided, leaving you weak and out of breath. I only closed my eyes, hearing and feeling your exhausted frame on my own.

“It is okay to sleep you know.” I said with a smile when I felt your frame calmed down a bit.

“Ah, but—”

“It is fine. Don’t worry about it.”

I only felt you nodded your head against my frame, leaning only closer and letting me feel more of your warmth. At the mere sensation I could feel myself also dozing off. I didn’t want to but that feeling of having you in my arms was just enough to do that, making any resistance I would have had useless. I could only wish that it will never end as fell into slumber. My wish was the last thought on my mind before I succumbed to the throes of sleep.

**

I woke up the next morning with a start, sitting up and looking around only to realize you have gone and only left a note in your place.

Thanks for letting me stay over.

That was what it said, as if everything that happened last night didn’t happen. Maybe you had wanted it to be like that and I should have known better than to expect it. I know I should have.

I would always be that childhood friend to you. I shook my head as I grasped my chest. It didn’t hurt as much now but something else seemed to be starting to hurt.

With that thought, I decided to stay out later than usual not wanting to go back to that bed where I was able to hold you in my arms, where I was able to feel your warmth against mine.

Imagine my surprise that night.

To see you standing outside my apartment door.

“What are you doing? You should have called me that you were coming!”

I gritted my teeth in frustration as I began to fumble for my keys. My only thought was to get both of us inside, as I didn’t know how long you were waiting for me.

“It is fine, I wanted to wait for you anyway. I bought some stuff for dinner, so I thought we could eat together.”

I only nodded my head as I finally was able to get my door open.

“Okay, let’s just get inside and—“

I stopped as I felt you leaning your head on my back. Your body was slightly shaking and I couldn’t tell if it was because of the cold or something else.

“Can I stay over again tonight? It’s so lonely by myself.”

Why do you do this? Why do you have to torture me so?

“I might do what I did last night to you again. Are you sure you want that?” My voice was flat and cold.

“It’s fine.”

And things did lead up to that. I shouldn’t be too surprised about it, I know. Maybe because I wanted it or maybe it was because she needed to fill up that void in her heart.

All I know was if there was anyone who was wrong it was me for taking advantage of her and trapping myself in this situation. I wanted to ease my pain and hers but only to make more for myself. That pain would probably my own atonement for what I am doing now.

“I love you.”

I heard you say and I only smiled as I leaned over to kiss you.

This pain is fine if it is for you. Everything I could do, I will do for you.

Even if it has to hurt all over again.

Because things have yet to change.

~+~

End