Current time: 03-28-2017, 12:19 PM

Post Reply 
Gimme comments XD
» Need feedback to improve.
Message Author
Post: #16

this may be a bit brutal so i hope you don't take offense XD

Confessions:
+over all it's decent, but imho theres a lot of room for improvement
+nameless, in medias res, first person style works well for this story. it helps show how intimate and private the encounter is.
-unfortunately too much information was omitted. for a narrative that includes physical intimacy, the audience has no clue what the characters physically look like. while omitting such physical details shifts focus more on feelings and emotions, omitting them completely is not good practice imho.
-we know that they both love each other, but why? like with the physical details, imho too much is missing to help the audience connect with the characters. the context needs more building up to show just how important the event is for these two characters.
-the narrative feels like it's stuttering however at certain parts. work on the flow of the story/idea from sentence to sentence, especially since it's in the first person.
-some of the sentences are too long. like above, flow of ideas needs work.
-a lot of the sentences follow a certain pattern (I action, clause, clause.) with very little in the way of variation. this really breaks the flow of the narrative. at one point i felt like i was a reading a telegram.
=choice of words is good overall. however, there are some parts where the word used felt awkward (for me at least). her, she and I felt overused, but considering it's a first person narrative, it's unavoidable i guess.


Collage:
+quite better than Confessions but the same issues arise.
=context is enough this time around as the focus is just on the main character.
-for a story involving photography there is a severe lack of description of how the subject looks. is her lack of confidence rooted to her physical looks, her view of herself, a traumatic experience or something else? the ambiguity gives the story a sense of mystery, but imho it also downplays her triumph over it.


i'll read the last story and comment when it's done.
(This post was last modified: 01-11-2012 10:16 AM by zero_kanipan.)

zero_kanipan

mr.procrastinator

Group: Raven
Posts: 2,495
Joined: Aug 2010
Status: Offline

PSN: zero_kanipan

Visit this user's website Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
01-11-2012 09:00 AM
Post: #17

Nah its okay. Big grin

I actually appreciate comments like these. Big grin

It actually relieved me that somebody noticed the difference between the two. As I wrote both of them with a long span of time between them. @_@

Yeah, I've been working on my sentence division lately. (It was a really bad habit I picked up.) I was told I tend to really make long sentences. =))

Sentence pattern huh, Hm, I never thought of looking at those things. *_*

Thanks for pointing that out. I should be a bit more aware then. :3

So yeah, improvement on there is necessary. >.<

As for the stories lack of details like context and physical descriptions, I intended it that way because I want the readers themselves to fill in those things themselves. I want them to infer on their own interpretations based on the pieces of information I gave. I just think giving the characters a definite look or appearance somehow is limiting to the reader. But maybe I overdid it a bit. Or did I?

Now that made me think. XD

But still, I just don't want to explain and give the who, what and why of everything. That I am sure.

It makes everything more personal to the reader, as the story just provides you the situation and emotions felt. By the POV at that.

At least, that's what I think. XD


I can only comfort you through your dreams. When you are wide awake, all I can do is smile and enjoy your presence.
(This post was last modified: 01-12-2012 01:39 AM by Immaterial.)

Immaterial

Kenomimi-addict

Group: Raven
Posts: 192
Joined: Apr 2009
Status: Offline


Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
01-11-2012 11:07 PM
Post: #18

Finally got myself back into gear.

And I made changes..again.

Bah. I'll edit later. >.>


I can only comfort you through your dreams. When you are wide awake, all I can do is smile and enjoy your presence.

Immaterial

Kenomimi-addict

Group: Raven
Posts: 192
Joined: Apr 2009
Status: Offline


Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
07-04-2012 11:14 PM
Post: #19

Wow! That was a good story! I still wonder what it was all about, but wow! That was good!

White_Rain

Making sense: A rather retro concept...

Group: Banned
Posts: 81
Joined: Sep 2013
Status: Away


Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
09-19-2013 08:09 AM
Post: #20

Hi White_Rain, I just moved your post here (his feedback topic) just to get things organized. Anyway, Immaterial is one of the best writers I've ever got the privilege to meet. I don't read a lot, but I make exceptions for his stuff.


"There is no teacher greater than experience" -Dr. Q Huaong

Lord_Leperman

Happy Sophie! :D

Group: Admin
Posts: 4,232
Joined: Sep 2006
Status: Offline

PSN: Lord_Leperman

Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
09-19-2013 08:57 AM
Post: #21

@White_Rain

Bandaged is not supposed to make sense, really. Tongue

@Lord_leperman

Thanks Rick. XD

On-Topic:

False Messiah is actually done. I just haven't uploaded it yet. But I have the pdf for those interested. XD


I can only comfort you through your dreams. When you are wide awake, all I can do is smile and enjoy your presence.

Immaterial

Kenomimi-addict

Group: Raven
Posts: 192
Joined: Apr 2009
Status: Offline


Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
09-26-2013 11:15 PM
Post: #22

And I found one of the chapters I didn't include in Reiki's Touch. Maybe cause I wasn't sure if I had wanted to develop Mirin as a character but I felt like a waste not to post. It was something I had experimented in and needed a bit of feedback on. XD

And yes, I am trying to get back into writing as of late. Being busy with so many other things leave you unable to write but the itch to write is there. @_@


I can only comfort you through your dreams. When you are wide awake, all I can do is smile and enjoy your presence.
(This post was last modified: 06-01-2014 11:48 PM by Immaterial.)

Immaterial

Kenomimi-addict

Group: Raven
Posts: 192
Joined: Apr 2009
Status: Offline


Find all posts by this user Quote this message in a reply
06-01-2014 11:47 PM
Post Reply 


Possibly Related Threads...
Thread: Author Replies: Views: Last Post
  Comments Sero 3 1,722 03-12-2010 07:06 AM
Last Post: Samara



 Quick Theme:


The Raven Republic ©
Established August 13, 2006.
Nakataga na sa bato yan!